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Church Services Rocked by Heavy Metal

By:Jay Sawyer
Date: Thu,23 Sep 2010
Submitter:Introfinity
Views:8569

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Parishioners in West Cornwall were left shaken and angry on Sunday after a number of services were interrupted by heavy metal music. During the carefully coordinated attacks, at least seven local churches were targeted by an obscure cult, known only as The Academy. Those who were affected are now demanding an apology and, in some cases, compensation.

According to one eye-witness, several people leapt from the pews when the music began, causing minor injuries. Others have reported broken hearing-aids and emotional distress in the wake of yesterday’s turmoil.

- No Apology -

While accepting full responsibility for what happened, the Academy’s leader, Jay Sawyer, claims that he was merely responding ‘in a light-hearted manner’ to persistent and unfounded accusations against his group by local congregations.

He said: “We simply wanted to remind certain people of the Lord’s instruction concerning non-judgement, and we felt that Metallica’s Holier Than Thou was the perfect vehicle to do that. I don’t believe that we have anything to apologise for.”

- The Devil’s music -

Vicar of St Morlah’s Church near Trevarrow, Martin Porth, said that he was obviously no stranger to the sound of ‘heavy metal’, but that what he heard on Sunday was anything but the sweet pealing of bells. “The music was loud, offensive, and most likely Satanic,” he concluded. “Some of my congregation literally fled outside in terror, believing that Armageddon had begun.”

- More than meets the eye -

In a final and bizarre twist to this story, it has emerged that a man fitting the same description was seen in all seven locations during the attacks, even though they occurred almost simultaneously. One local councillor, speaking on condition of anonymity, told me that he wasn’t at all surprised.

He said: “Everything about that group is strange. Quite what they’re up to, I have no idea, but it can’t be good. We denied them planning permission on numerous occasions, but were overruled every time… by agencies I'd never even heard of! As for Sawyer himself, there’s a lot more to him than meets the eye. But that’s all I’m going to say on the matter.”

Mr Sawyer has declined to comment on these latest revelations.

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jay gage said:

Thank you so much for this article - it won "press cutting of the week" in my office. Everyone loved it, in my very disparate team of Catholics, Spiritualists, and yes ... a heavy metal fan. :)
Fri,24 Sep 2010,17:16:33 GMT
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